It’s crazy to me that our cultural desiderata for a marriage so wildly diverges from the realities of what I see

Ppl are looking to fall madly in love and then “keep the flame alive” for a lifetime. But if “keeping the flame alive” means staying madly in love & having regular amazing sex, well…maybe only 1 out of 1000 couples are like that

And so, in year ~five when sex is only happening once every few weeks (if at all), and the couple is essentially platonic, ppl feel like they’re failing, and might even get divorced

Guys…what if it turns out that we’re ~not biologically built for this fantasy marriage scenario we all seek? What if the volatile force of romance is just one means of bonding us deeply together so that then we can form lifelong partnerships from a different form of love, one that’s better suited for creating a stable environment for children? Platonic love

Moreover, why are we suffering from this cultural mass delusion, where we insist that marriages should not become ~platonic?

I suspect it’s because of our atomization. Imagine you live in a suburb with two kids. Your family & friends live far away. The time-honored tradition of having mistresses and misters – previously a means for monogamous couples to stay married – is deemed unacceptable by the current culture waters. Work connections are superficial or fleeting (as workplaces these days have higher turnover). You have to depend on your spouse as the only relationship capable of imbuing you with liveliness

IMO the antidote is to (a) prioritize live within walking distance of ppl you love to put less pressure on marriage (b) not only accept the default that long term partners become platonic, but look forward to it: platonic love is not a lesser form of love. Learn its intricacies and secrets

(also btw I have no idea what I'm talking about as I've never been married, so don't listen to me)